Hand Them the Olive Branch, Don't Hit Them With It: Humor as a Repair Tool for Couples

I was at the waddle stage of pregnancy, and my husband and I were fighting about something so important that I couldn’t tell you today what it was. What I do remember, vividly, is standing in the bathroom rehearsing my case against him, mentally perfecting every justification for giving him the cold shoulder as I washed my hands. Then I stomped down the stairs, still committed to my righteous indignation, when my body decided to contribute something of its own:

a little gas. With every step.

Every.

Single.

Step.

By the bottom I was laughing so hard I was crying. My husband was braced on the couch for the furious wife who'd stormed upstairs, and he looked baffled. Through tears and giggles, I explained my flatulent entrance, and he cracked up too.

Once we caught our breath, we admitted we were both frustrated, and that neither of us wanted to spend the evening giving each other the silent treatment in front of the TV. So we talked through our feelings, made our repair, and had a lovely evening instead.

Now, I won't prescribe a bowl of beans for your next argument.

But I do recommend a little levity, and the research on humor in relationships backs me up. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls these moments "repair attempts": anything a partner says or does, silly or otherwise, to keep a fight from spiraling. Humor is one of the most natural ones, and Gottman found that whether a couple's repair attempts succeed is one of the strongest signs of whether their relationship will thrive.

Humor works best with a little care, so here are my recommendations and cautions:

Laugh at yourself

My husband and I have defused plenty of tense moments by owning our part with a dose of levity. I don't mean putting yourself down to make peace. I mean laughing at your own humanity while you take responsibility. Work has buried me lately, and I've fallen behind on my share of the chores. When I apologized, I admitted I've always been better at the dark arts than the domestic ones.

Laugh with your partner, not at them

Sometimes our jokes land too close to a sore spot. It happens. When a joke goes too far or comes too soon, repair quickly. One of us will wince and say, "Shoot! I meant to hand you the olive branch, not hit you with it!" Sarcasm and mockery don't count as humor. Gottman classifies them as contempt, which is one of the strongest predictors of divorce.

Better yet, laugh at the situation

When things get tough, I slip easily into “me against you.” A joke about our shared predicament puts my husband and me back on the same team. Juggling two careers and a newborn, we could easily have fought over the extra housework. Instead, we joked about how one 7-pound person tripled our laundry, who would provide bottle service at tonight’s crib party, and how, after each rookie mistake, we’d confess to our son that he was in the hands of amateurs.

Create a code phrase for repair

Inside jokes can call a truce mid-fight. My husband came up with ours after one too many arguments where we were both racing for the moral high ground. Now, when one of us admits to a little moral mountaineering, we'll fan ourselves and sigh, "It's so breezy up here!" It owns the behavior, gets a laugh, and brings us both back down to level ground, where the real conversation happens.

Let the laugh open the conversation, not end it

Our stair-step giggles worked because they led us to say what was really going on. Humor that dodges the issue only postpones it. Let humor make hard conversations easier to stomach, not easier to skip.

If you and your partner keep getting stuck in conflict, schedule a complimentary consultation. Our couples therapists can help you have the hard conversations that move you forward.